Crazy stuff

...I promised myself that I'd write daily and I've let myself down but I digress....I have so much to say and so much to get out before I explode or implode.

Women, what makes us think that we always know more than everyone else, more than our moms, friends, grandma's, friends; not sure why but we always think we know more than the 'average bear' and I'm just as guilty as everyone else.....my rant today is about my mother, who in my eyes died yesterday, no condolences please as its my choice that she is dead to me. Background....before Thanksgiving TinMan brought home a less than stellar report card by our (mine and Wizards) standards so given he hasn't made a ton of friends in our area yet we took away the one thing we'd know get to through to him...spending the night with granny (my mom) since then I have broken my own rule SIX times and I'm still being accused by my mother, brother and now my son of keeping him from his family. My son didn't start studying for his exams utnil a week before the tests, that might be ok if he had been working off and on throughout the semester but he hasn't so we have to treat him like he's 10, study with him, force him to do his work and as of last week I finally thought he was getting it, he seemed to be a little more independent about his work, etc I was so proud, so excited and happy for him. He's enjoying Lacrosse and had a blast at the agility class we enrolled him, the LAX coach loves him and has said that he's doing well and developing quickly....so FINALLY we have something that really clicks with him :) So, my rule about going to my moms was that he could go spend the day and come home, no spending the night...you know give him a taste and then let him see that if he continues to work that he'll get the other half which is spend the night. I've had several fights with my mother about this and she just thinks that I'm trying to keep him from her, so not the case in fact this past saturday Wizard got up at 630am and took TinMan to HER drove him an hour to HER so he could spend as much time as possible with HER and she never said thank you....instead she didn't bring him home when she was supposed to on Saturday night, she called at 9pm and asked if he could stay....now, I had a house full of women, I had a jewelry party and I had 20 women in my house and was not about to have the conversation with my mom again especially knowing how upset I get and I can literally lose it...so i said fine, she said he would be home tomorrow (Sunday) evening. Fine, I'm beside myself with anger, and hurt and felt lied to by her and by TiMan. I forgot to mention that my 13 yr old brother called me earlier in the day and asked if TinMan could spend the night, I said no and he asked why and for whatever reason I actually tried to justify it to him...I know, I dont' have to but, I digress....he actually said to me 'so his punishment is keeping him from his family'; then he hung up on me.....he hung up on me! At that point I had people starting to arrive at my home and had to let it go.

Fast forward to last night (Saturday), I called around 4pm to find out if TinMan would be home in time for dinner, my mom said no that she would make him dinner and they would be home after, well....8pm comes and goes, I call ask where she is and she tells me she just got out of the shower. I was like WTF you said he'd be home by 8pm, I went into a rant and a rage that I've never gone into before, I told her that I was sick and tired of her BS that I was tired of her trying to always control me, that I've put up with her BS all my life and I wasn't doing it anymore and she wasn't going to do it to my son....I continued to yell and the last thing I said was F you, you bipolar cunt.....and I hung up. I was so angry, so upset that I had 1. been lied to and 2. she AGAIN did not respect my wishes and is showing my son that its ok....I lost my cool. About 10 mins later I called back, calmly apologized for saying mean things out of anger and went on the tell her that this wasn't about her and I and it wasn't about our relationship that it was and is about TinMan and the person we are molding him to become and that if she lies to me, disrespects my rules then she's showing him that he doesn't have to have respect for me or be truthful with me, I also told her that he needed grow and learn and that I'm trying my best to do that for him and that from the time he was born until this very moment he has been my first priority that he lived with her until high school because its what I felt was best for him, because he deserved better than I could give...if I were truly selfish I would've kept my child with me and he could've expereinced all the boyfriends, partying and me growing up...but that's not fair to him....just like its not fair to him that she's not obeying my rules and that she's not respecting my boundaries...she's being selfish. So after that conversation she said she was bringing him home it was about 9pm, so at 10:15pm I called again to find out where they are....they hadn't left yet, my instinct told me to get in my car and go get my son...I didn't, I was emotionally exhausted and just didn't want a scene and didn't want to deal with her....at 11:30pm I called again asked where they were...she said they weren't coming....I laughed....asked what had changed between my last phone call and now, she said TinMan didn't want to come home. SERIOUSLY, I asked...when the 15 yr old started calling the shots and making the decisions and that as a parent/grandparent we weren't there to be friends, we are there to mold and teach and sometimes that sucks and its not fun and we have to make choices for them that make them sad or mad. she didn't get it so I talked to TinMan, I explained to him that there were conseuquences for his behavior...in my eyes at 15 he should have the character to say 'no, my mom said' but he didn't, instead he saw video games, and playing with friends.....he saw irresponsibility and fun. So he will now be writing a 500 word essay about respect, what it means, how to earn it, how to give it and what it means in a family, he'll be reading 2 hours on weekends and any day he doesn't have school and an hour every weekday....and now he's definitely not going to her house and only because he said something that she has been saying 'I only wanted to spend time with my family'...to which I replied you did spend time with your family and you can spend time with your family, just not sleep there....WE got up at 630am on Saturday mornign so you could spend time with yoru family, Wizard drove you to your family so that you could be there the maximum amount of time and you and your family didn't have the respect for us or our rules to do the same....and now there are consequences. I got on the phoen with my mom, explained to her exactly what I said to TinMan and then I told her he needed to be home by noon.

This morning I get a call from her telling me that my Step-Dad will be bringing him home and they'll be leaving at noon...if he is not home by 1pm, I'm leaving work and going to get him. I told her that last night she agreed he'd be home by noon and that this was the FOURTH time she lied to me in 3 days, that I know now that I can not trust her and I know what I have to do, that I felt like she was the child and I am the parent....that I gave her an inch and she took 10 miles....and then I told her goodbye and hung up.

I'm at my wits end, I slept little last ngith and all I can think about right now is if TinMan will actually be home or if I'll have to go get him, which I don't want to do, I don't want to make him feel like he has to choose because in my eyes he shouldn't have to and I will not force him to....but at the same time he's my son, these are my rules and they will be obeyed by all or we won't be playing in the sandbox together any longer.