will i ever do this at home...

....that's the question I'm asking myself right now. In the last week I have found time at work to journal but will I ever find or should I say make that time at home? I have to...its my right, its what keeps me sane and its what I'm loving right now....journaling...communicating within myself and getting all 'out'! I've held so much in these last few months and I just need to vent it out....let it go and move on....My goal in the coming year...to let others just be, be who they are or aren't and allow them to do that....to let myself just enjoy the parts of them I enjoy and let the rest of it roll off my back and if I don't enjoy any part of them to let all their 'parts' roll off my back...I'm tired of giving energy to the negative aspects of my life, I want my happiness back, I want the fun back and I want ME back....I'm not changing my life I'm merely changing how I look at my life or some of the parts that I feel don't go so well. I'm going to communicate more clearly and positively with those I love and care about and with those I don't really care about, LOL I just want to try and gain some positive aspects in my life....In a day I allow myself to get worked up...really worked up, normally to tears. Not once a week/month/year but almost daily....not sure why but I allow it and it sucks.....so I'm hoping that in the coming year I can learn to let things go and not hold grudges...I'm really good about that........a good example of this is my mom. boy oh boy she can push my buttons and push them to a point of anger, sadness, hate....frustration....she's very closed minded and she also views life and life lessons very differently now than when she raised me (for those who don't know for the last 13 years she has had custody of TinMan, my choice, he recently moved back in with me, his choice). TinMan is adjusting to his schedule, his school and his life in our home VERY well, with the exception that he's still 'holding on' (as anyone does) to his 'old' life, he's made a few friends and has enjoyed hanging out with them but he's also holding on to some old ones (not bad)....my mom would like him to be at her house EVERY OTHER weekend for the ENTIRE weekend. That was fine over the summer and even the first two months of school....after his 2nd interim came home we had to put a stop to spending the night...his grades were lagging and since he didn't spend the night with friends this was our only option....he could still go spend time but not spend the night. since the begining of this month my mom has badgered (sp) me over and over again...telling me that I'm keeping him from his family and cutting off all ties with them, etc. Which is NOT the case, I understand how she could feel that way but my son is not turning in homework, does not have a clue when his tests are and has not been studying for said tests unless WE prompt him to....this is not acceptable in my home and he now lives in my home...he's a FRESHMEN in high school...he has 3 years until he hits the 'real' world and the things like RESPONSIBILITY are things he needs to be taught, along with time managment, follow through and preparation. My mom just thinks I'm nuts, thinks I'm just keeping him from 'the family' and that I want him to cut all ties and that I'm holding him back....I even compromised when my uncle came in from Florida (12/7) I let him spend the night with them (mom and family), and AGAIN on 12/25 and 12/26....the ONLY request I had was that he NOT play ANY video games....guess what he played Christmas night....guitar hero. Maybe I'm being to harsh, maybe I am completely wrong in my thinking but.....how is he supposed to learn responsibility, follow through and preparation if I don't teach him?! When he lived with her he had the same 'problems'....and there was punishment for maybe two weeks and then it was as if it never happened.....well, hello...no wonder he's not preparing or taking responsibility for his homework and actions....HE HASN'T BEEN TAUGHT TO!!! So to say I'm pissed, furious, upset, angry, frustrated and at my wits end....is a big understatment....I've got all this shit to deal with on top of the ex wife and the other three children and fiancee' I have at home.....I'm so done, so done.....I dont' know how to talk to her, I don't know how to explain what I'm trying to do here....I'm trying to help my son understand that life isn't all about the newest playstation or xbox game that life is somtimes about work....is that wrong?! I'm trying to help him achieve his dream of being a pilot....I'm trying to help him KNOW that he IS smart and worthy of all the things he dreams of...right now he doesn't feel that, I know this....on Christmas night we were at my grams and we played Catch Phrase....he called himself stupid at least 5-6 times and said he couldn't think of anything to say....my step father has called Tyler stupid most of his childhood....I realized this in the last year another reason I felt taking custody at this time was a really good idea..and TinMan wanted it...anyway....he just felt he could not play catch phrase...a rather simple yet fun game AND his cousins same age and younger were playing with confidence....I want him to have that confidence, its MY job as his mother to give him that confidence, its MY job as his mother to teach him things like responsibility, structure, and that fun and work can go hand in hand and don't have to suck.....why can't she see this, why does she feel like I'm 'keeping' him from her?! I'm only saying he can't spend the night......that's it, its really simple. She has often tried to compare our (mine and her) situation with Wizard and Witch and while it is somewhat the same there is also a large difference....Witch doesn't live an hour away, Witch teaches her children (in some ways) responsibility and if the were to ever come home with negative grades or behavior in school well...Witch would and has actually put her foot down in a BIG way....she didn't give in....why can't my mom get this, why can't she accept that I've compromised TWICE....soon to be THREE times this month....because of the holiday. I'm at my wits end, I don't even want to talk to her or see her for that matter and I'm at a point where I'm ready to just cut off all contact unless it deals with TinMan. My mom was a hard as nails bitch to me when I grew up...to the point that she was down right cold and I'm sorry but there would be no love lost if I didn't talk to her....or see her. She's great when she gets her way but when she doesn't she tries to strike fear into me and up until about 3 years ago that fear worked and now it doesn't.....so I just don't know what to do....its not about being right for me its about doing what I FEEL is right for my child and sometimes doing what I feel is right doesn't alwasy feel great but in the end I know he'll be a better student, man, husband and father someday for it.....