----- Original Message -----
From: Witch
To: Wizard
Sent: Tue Jan 30 11:03:09 2007
Subject: Hello!
Wizard,
I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last week, really since you went off on me about what a horrible mother I am and everything else. I want you to know that at the end of the day all I want is for us to live our lives, find happiness and take care of our children the best way we possible can. I don't want animosity, hurt, games or holding on to the past to get in the way of that…it has always been our priority since we had children and we need that to continue to be the case. I think we have done a really fine job at making sure our children are well. I think we can further that by letting go of the anger, the bad feelings and mistakes of our past. We have both moved on in a direction that is for the better. You have found happiness with Dorothy and I too am happy in my life for the first time in a very long, long time.
I have always said and it is still true today that I will always love you because you are the father of my children, but that I am not in love with you…big difference and one that I want to embrace. You are a part of my life and I care about you and only want good things to happen for you. I know that I probably haven't been overly supportive, well that's an understatement, of your relationship with Dorothy, and I apologize for that. I was allowing the fact that she came into your life and you allowed it to happen at a time that we were still married. As you know that was rough for me…then when you lied for so long and played games and tried to get my friends to make me believe something that wasn't true it just made those feelings even stronger. I am letting go of all of those negative feelings as I don't need them, you don't need them and our children don't need them. It is the past and that is where it should stay.
I want you to have all the happiness you can. I want Dorothy to be our partner (on the same page with our wants, discipline, etc.) with the children. I do not want her to feel like an outsider looking in. I know she will never be there Mom and that you and I will always be the primary and final decision makers, but eventual if she is an everyday part of their life as their step-mother she will be an important ingredient in raising our children and I want that to be a relationship that can nourish and enrich their lives for all that she will bring to the table.
I just want to bring closure to all the bad….embrace the good that we have managed to have since our divorce and move on in our lives supporting each other as parents, our children and the new directions our lives are taking.
So, I am sorry for whatever unhappiness, anger and hurt I have caused you and Dorothy…I really do hope that you will both be very happy….when it comes a long which it doesn't very often in a lifetime, we should embrace it and cherish it…..
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
really meeting the kids this time...
Ok…finally I'm taking a moment to type up the dissertation that is meeting Wizard's kids :)
To say that I was nervous is an understatement a lot of things depend on this meeting going well and while I know I’m a good person and get along almost everyone I was still worried that one or both of these children would find fault with me because I wasn't their mother. Wizard even commented last night when we were on the phone at how nervous I looked; I guess before I could see them he could see me through a window and said I looked nervous more nervous than he's ever seen me. Which is really funny because when I met A and S I was really nervous because they're like family to him so I felt there was a lot riding on that too but in reality there wasn't and we get along great. I also tend to put lots of pressure on myself in these situations to be 'perfect' and then I compare what I thought I should've been feeling to what I really felt and then beat myself up about it; I know…STOP and I did but not without help. Anyway, on to the actual meeting….For Lion (9) and Scarecrow (6) this was our first meeting and for Munchkin (19months) well I've seen him a few times and always have a blast with him, how can I not, LOL Lion and Scarecrow were both very talkative which sort of surprised me; I didn't expect it from Scarecrow because she was so apprehensive in the beginning but she was chatty Cathy and very funny. Lion was also very talkative but it was different than Scarecrow, I don't know to describe it, the interaction between the three of us was fun and full of laughter, I felt at ease most of the time we were there; we all parent differently and that is my adjustment to make and understand. They did a few things that I had 'issues' with but nothing that was over the top; they're siblings and siblings fight but I've never experienced that since I'm an only child (until I was 19 at least) and TinMan is an only child in the sense that when he's with me it's just us and when I is there and they do fight I handle things differently than other Parents.
Overall they're good hearted and good natured kids and we had a great time playing Uno for about two hours in McDonald's, LOL The first few games were just the girls and I while Wizard fed Munchkin but then Wizard got in the game and I watched Lion do her best to beat her dad, LOL It was funny but knowing how competitive they are it bothered me a little, Scarecrow and I just sat back and were like 'it's just a game of Uno people' and had fun. Munchkin was hilarious; while we were playing Uno Wizard took him out of his high chair and sat him in between the two of us and he was all over the place but then I started zerberting (sp) him and he was ALL over me, it was so funny!!! At one point he held my head to his face and wouldn't let go, LOL During one game of Uno we all tried to beat Wizard…which we won, LOL That was funny and there were funny comments like when we were trying to stop Lion from going out and I reversed the play of the game and Scarecrow said 'you messed up now she can go out', it was funny….and adorable the way she said it with honesty, frustration and then when I explained the 'thought' behind it she was like OH and Scarecrow ultimately won.
I had a great time with them but like Wizard and I have talked about we both built up this meeting to be something huge and it was a huge step but the pressure and expectations that we both had were built up to high and when I did feel all giddy/girly and overwhelmed with joy I felt like I had done something 'wrong' but after talking to Cougar and Wizard I feel much better about the meeting overall and know that there is more to come from here forward and that while I'll never be there mom; and honestly I don't want to be their mom I can be a positive female influence in their lives and that's all I can ask for…..>
To say that I was nervous is an understatement a lot of things depend on this meeting going well and while I know I’m a good person and get along almost everyone I was still worried that one or both of these children would find fault with me because I wasn't their mother. Wizard even commented last night when we were on the phone at how nervous I looked; I guess before I could see them he could see me through a window and said I looked nervous more nervous than he's ever seen me. Which is really funny because when I met A and S I was really nervous because they're like family to him so I felt there was a lot riding on that too but in reality there wasn't and we get along great. I also tend to put lots of pressure on myself in these situations to be 'perfect' and then I compare what I thought I should've been feeling to what I really felt and then beat myself up about it; I know…STOP and I did but not without help. Anyway, on to the actual meeting….For Lion (9) and Scarecrow (6) this was our first meeting and for Munchkin (19months) well I've seen him a few times and always have a blast with him, how can I not, LOL Lion and Scarecrow were both very talkative which sort of surprised me; I didn't expect it from Scarecrow because she was so apprehensive in the beginning but she was chatty Cathy and very funny. Lion was also very talkative but it was different than Scarecrow, I don't know to describe it, the interaction between the three of us was fun and full of laughter, I felt at ease most of the time we were there; we all parent differently and that is my adjustment to make and understand. They did a few things that I had 'issues' with but nothing that was over the top; they're siblings and siblings fight but I've never experienced that since I'm an only child (until I was 19 at least) and TinMan is an only child in the sense that when he's with me it's just us and when I is there and they do fight I handle things differently than other Parents.
Overall they're good hearted and good natured kids and we had a great time playing Uno for about two hours in McDonald's, LOL The first few games were just the girls and I while Wizard fed Munchkin but then Wizard got in the game and I watched Lion do her best to beat her dad, LOL It was funny but knowing how competitive they are it bothered me a little, Scarecrow and I just sat back and were like 'it's just a game of Uno people' and had fun. Munchkin was hilarious; while we were playing Uno Wizard took him out of his high chair and sat him in between the two of us and he was all over the place but then I started zerberting (sp) him and he was ALL over me, it was so funny!!! At one point he held my head to his face and wouldn't let go, LOL During one game of Uno we all tried to beat Wizard…which we won, LOL That was funny and there were funny comments like when we were trying to stop Lion from going out and I reversed the play of the game and Scarecrow said 'you messed up now she can go out', it was funny….and adorable the way she said it with honesty, frustration and then when I explained the 'thought' behind it she was like OH and Scarecrow ultimately won.
I had a great time with them but like Wizard and I have talked about we both built up this meeting to be something huge and it was a huge step but the pressure and expectations that we both had were built up to high and when I did feel all giddy/girly and overwhelmed with joy I felt like I had done something 'wrong' but after talking to Cougar and Wizard I feel much better about the meeting overall and know that there is more to come from here forward and that while I'll never be there mom; and honestly I don't want to be their mom I can be a positive female influence in their lives and that's all I can ask for…..>
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Had a busy friday both at work and home but it was good both ways. We celebrated Poodle 1 birthday last night with the band...I say we but she wasn't feeling well so we included Cougar, Poodle 2, me and Horse Whisperer which was a blast! I had a lot of fun last night just shaking my bootay and not really drinking, i had 2 maybe 3 drinks but water in between, i'm too old to repeat the 'food poisoning' again, I feel great today, got home early 1ish and had a blast so I feel it was a good night.
I'm still reaching for the best feelings I can about the whole weight/body thing, yesterday i HAD to go buy a new pair of jeans so that I have a pair that look nice because all my other jeans don't look so nice...so I 'beat' myself up about that a bit but then let it go and said you know what, i'm beautiful inside and out...fuck what size my jeans are as long as I feel good in them and as soon as I said that I had a blast, i didn't care and all was good....need to do that more often. I'm allowing that 'heavy' comment to dig in deep and I really want to just care what I think about the whole thing which I know my feelings so I'm going to keep reaching for better feeling thoughts and trusting that it will come and let it go!
TinMan had his friend spent the night last night so they were here while I was out, I worried a bit but they were fine :) and of course had more fun with me being gone than if I were here and now they're playing xbox...I just don't get the 'gaming' thing, everyone has their thing so I don't complain, they're both good kids and instead of wanting to be out in the streets they're playing video games so I'm thankful! I thought I would make breakfast but they're not up for it so....that's nice I can do other things, like clean, LOL
I'm still reaching for the best feelings I can about the whole weight/body thing, yesterday i HAD to go buy a new pair of jeans so that I have a pair that look nice because all my other jeans don't look so nice...so I 'beat' myself up about that a bit but then let it go and said you know what, i'm beautiful inside and out...fuck what size my jeans are as long as I feel good in them and as soon as I said that I had a blast, i didn't care and all was good....need to do that more often. I'm allowing that 'heavy' comment to dig in deep and I really want to just care what I think about the whole thing which I know my feelings so I'm going to keep reaching for better feeling thoughts and trusting that it will come and let it go!
TinMan had his friend spent the night last night so they were here while I was out, I worried a bit but they were fine :) and of course had more fun with me being gone than if I were here and now they're playing xbox...I just don't get the 'gaming' thing, everyone has their thing so I don't complain, they're both good kids and instead of wanting to be out in the streets they're playing video games so I'm thankful! I thought I would make breakfast but they're not up for it so....that's nice I can do other things, like clean, LOL
Friday, January 5, 2007
No More Drama
Yep, i finally did it...I'm posting at home, LOL ; The beauty of all that is I'm finally positng and feeling little to no anger and some relief when it comes to recent events....I haven't spoke to my mom in two days...and I have no real intentions to talk to her other than when I drop off/pick up TinMan tomorrow. I've all but said its my way I'm not arguing and thats it. I've had a short and vague talk with TinMan and explained my position and he explained his.....he likes it here (our house), loves Wizard and the kids...the 'problem' is that he's not connecting with the kids at school...the good part is that he really doesn't care, feels that some of them aren't worthy of his friendship because they're rude and mean....then 'bad' is that he's not willing to open himself up to friendships...he has one friend and this kid is a good kid and good friend but I'd like to see TinMan branch out a little more...I know, I know, give him time but its hard! I know he'll be fine but my heart still broke when he told me that kids were calling him shorty and gay...not sure about the gay part but whatever. I asked if it were a problem and he said no. I asked about the guys from the football team and he said most are nice but there are a few that act like he doesn't exist when he talks to them....high school never changes.....just hurts more when its my kid :
At home its been a great weekend, we've had nothing to do so Saturday I took Lion to spend her gift cards, we had lunch and then the whole family went bowling :) It was a blast, all the kids had fun, including Munchkin. I helped him bowl but left my camera at home...grrrr. There were some really great moments too. TinMan and Wizard were within 4 points of each other...Wizard won. Then we hung out at home and one of our neighbors came over with her daughter, she is Munchkin's age and boy oh boy do they love each other! They are so cute and have so much fun. Wizard played with the big kids and C and I played with the wee ones and had a glass of wine ;) It was a nice evening. My original plan was to meet the girls out but I decided to stay home...how things change ;)
Today was take down the tree day....mostly done. The tree in the family room is down but now I have the giant tree left, all the decorations are put away which is a relief and the house is feeling 'normal' again. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night and spending time with friends out, it'll be fun.
This year has been a year of change for me all good, some changes harder to deal with than others but all of them good. I'm looking forward to 2008 being a year of growth and accomplishments....Happy New Year!
At home its been a great weekend, we've had nothing to do so Saturday I took Lion to spend her gift cards, we had lunch and then the whole family went bowling :) It was a blast, all the kids had fun, including Munchkin. I helped him bowl but left my camera at home...grrrr. There were some really great moments too. TinMan and Wizard were within 4 points of each other...Wizard won. Then we hung out at home and one of our neighbors came over with her daughter, she is Munchkin's age and boy oh boy do they love each other! They are so cute and have so much fun. Wizard played with the big kids and C and I played with the wee ones and had a glass of wine ;) It was a nice evening. My original plan was to meet the girls out but I decided to stay home...how things change ;)
Today was take down the tree day....mostly done. The tree in the family room is down but now I have the giant tree left, all the decorations are put away which is a relief and the house is feeling 'normal' again. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night and spending time with friends out, it'll be fun.
This year has been a year of change for me all good, some changes harder to deal with than others but all of them good. I'm looking forward to 2008 being a year of growth and accomplishments....Happy New Year!
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