Once upon an evening...

Last night wasn't bad, not too bad at all. I came home to an empty house which is pretty typical when the Oz children are with their mom so I picked up a little and then started on my evening chores. Wizard had let me know that the girls would be coming over to practice since their respective practices got cancelled, fine. I wasn’t thrilled but I wasn’t upset, I was sort of numb about it. They get there, and it’s hi Dorothy and they’re acting sort of out of control, running around, being really loud, not stuff they normally do at our home and I just ignored them; the ‘problem’ was as soon as they were there I got tense and my walls went up, like a giant protective shield and I was short with my answers, didn’t really talk unless I was talked to, I was rude. I can be honest about it, I was really rude. I didn’t look away from what I was doing on the computer much if at all. I’m having a hard time separating them and their actions from their mother, I am having trouble dealing with the fact that their mother exists and that for the rest of my life I’m going to have to deal with her in some sort of fashion. I’m having a hard time finding my positive attitude about having a blended family, well let me rephrase, I’m having a hard time dealing with the ex wife.

Once upon a time she meant nothing to me, her actions, words, prescence did nothing to me, it didn’t spark anger or nervousness it sparked…eh, whatever. Now, very different story, I get nervous, I find myself comparing things I do or don’t do to things she does or doesn’t do, her appearance with mine…it’s really sad, I’ve become someone I’m not, I typically don’t care about this kind of stuff in my past I’ve never cared, I’ve been like eh, whatever but with this person I’m struggling. For example last night Lion asked me if I’d seen her sunburn from the weekend, I said no (how could I, I didn’t see her all weekend, nice of her to notice) and she showed me, I said well I put sunscreen in your dads bag, so you guys had it, she was like oh I didn’t know that; so Wizard walks in on the end of the convo and says that’s why he needs me at the games, so I can make sure the girls don’t get burnt, I laughed a little and said Witch was there, she could’ve put sunblock on them. Lion says, no she couldn’t she was watching Munchkin so I countered, because I felt the need to defend myself and said so what you’re saying is, that I can watch Munchkin and make sure you have on sunblock but your mom cant? She was like well she was watching Scarecrow’s games too; and I countered again, if I were there I would’ve watched Scarecrow’s games too and Munchkin and made sure you had on sunblock, I think your mom can handle it. Basically Lion confirmed something for me or I feel like she confirmed something for me….they don’t’ have confidence in their mother to take care of them but they do have confidence that I will and can even with 2 games a pre-schooler and everything else going on they have confidence that I’ll make sure they don’t get burnt….ok, so that is a positive and it took me writing this to realize that is a good thing..ok feeling a little better.

My point to this post was of course negative because I just feel consumed with negativity towards Witch and while she has negatives about her they don’t have to affect me if I don’t let them and lately I’m letting them, all the time and I’m tired of it, I want things to roll off my back and say fuck it…you don’t factor into my world…because truthfully she doesn’t have to, not at game, not for a holiday nothing, we have a schedule and we stick to it most of the time and they work it out if they’re going to deviate from it, so why do I make everything about HER…I don’t know but I let her get to me so much that I cried a lot this weekend for good and stupid reasons, I let her get under my skin to the point that I got angry and my son for something minor and acted very out of character and I’m putting up walls against her children to protect myself and my heart from her!

My ideal story/blended family life would be….

Caring only what happens within our family, our home and having fun with our family, friends and each other. Giving and receiving love, respect and appreciation….