The Talk

This weekend I was a complete mess and I think I could feel it starting even on Friday but I pushed on and thought it was just the stress of getting 3 people ready for an overnight stay and a weekend long tournament; plus making sure that TinMan was taken care of as well as having everything I needed to be at the tournament with Munchkin. Today, I feel hope whereas in the last two days I’ve felt very desperate and alone.

My fall out with TinMan was short lived, I apologized immediately and then cried for a while; crying is very healing but at the same time I couldn’t control it so I felt very pathetic. He and I had a good day yesterday overall, he did his homework and hung out and I finished the things I need to for Wizard. So, it was an ok day but also a day of questioning, I blogged, journaled, wrote letters to Witch and Wizard which I had no intentions of sending but I had to get the ‘yuck’ out and I think it helped clear my head a little.

Most of my hurt centered around feeling unsupported by Wizard and I felt very alone with Witch. I’m not Munchkin’s mom, I’m a parental figure and someone he loves but I’m not his mom and sometimes we all just need our moms but at the same time Witch got prego with him because in her words to Wizard ‘I wanted someone to love me, you have the girls, I needed someone’. How stupid and sick is that; have a child when you have a husband that you don’t pay attention to, didn’t love and two children already because you want someone to love you?! I truly don’t get it and I never will and that’s OK, I don’t have to understand the inner workings of her mind but I do need to be able to be around her and not feel extreme stress especially when it’s our week with the children and we’re at a game. So after Wizard and I talked, we had a GREAT talk and came to a solution, which was super nice, we didn’t argue we just talked and I feel a lot better about things, a lot better! Basically if it’s our week and there’s a tournament Munchkin and I are staying home, I explained to Wizard that I wasn’t going to put myself in the extreme stress of that situation where Munchkin is acting out in ways I can’t explain, we were at the field on Saturday for 10 mins (I was thinking what happened to the kid I was just singing with in the car) when he had his first fit and I know she was loving it because I could see the smirk on her face and everything went downhill from there. Horse Whisperer made a good point about him feeling my stress and possibly feeling torn between Witch and I; I never thought of that but why should we put him in that position? Witch doesn’t feel stress because she’s getting what she wants Munchkin needing her; people seeing him need HER and feeling sorry for her and for him because of the divorce, whatever. These are all assumptions based on what I know of her past statements and actions. She also probably enjoyed my little breakdown and discussing it with the one other mom who is on her side but I’m not allowing myself to think of that, I did what I felt was best for ME and for HIM by leaving him with her; when I called her she was truly surprised, she was taken aback and I’m sure somewhat satisfied at the outcome. I don’t really care either way, it is what it is and it’s done.

Wizard and I discussed my feeling of not being supported, he explained that being a coach is more than just being a coach on the field, that he has a ton to do after the game too but he will put more effort into parenting and spending time with Munchkin and I. I also told him something Glenda told me about last week while they were at Witch’s house; this past week was ours but Wizard was out of town on business and has to offer her time with them if he’s going to be gone more than 4 hours (I think that’s BS considering it’s me but whatever) so they were at Witch’s from Tues night to Fri. morning. Back to the Glenda story (sorry); Glenda brings her nephew (4 yr old) with her on M, W and Fri because she takes him to pre-school and picks him up and he and Munchkin get along great up until recently and ONLY at Witch’s house do they have a problem…this is based on what Glenda is telling me; on Monday when they were at our house I had to put Munchkin in timeout for not sharing with the nephew, Munchkin got mad and thought he was going to take away the bat, glove and ball from nephew and not play and he really thought he was going to do it; I was like no way, you need to share and if you’re not going to share you’re not playing with it; he went to time out and wasn’t allowed to play with his bat, glove and ball until after his nap that day; I guess the week before at Witch’s house the SAME thing happened only Witch let him take his toys away from nephew and said NOTHING about sharing. Honestly, I’m not surprised, I watch her get down on her hands and knees and take a toy train from another little boy and give it to Munchkin; the train was Munchkin’s but he was sharing and then wanted it back so she took it…stupid bitch. Ok, so FF past that to about Thursday when they’re at Witch’s again, Glenda said that Munchkin was all dressed in his baseball stuff cleats included and nephew was sitting on Munchkin’s blanket so Munchkin comes down out of Witch’s room (you can see the downstairs from her room and she saw this or so Glenda said) and Munchkin starts pulling the blanket out of nephew’s hands and when nephew says can I use your blanket Munchkin says NO and the only reason Munchkin wanted the blanket was because he just wanted it, he wasn’t going to use it so Munchkin gets mad and kicks nephew in the mouth with his cleats ON…Witch did NOTHING; nephew had a bloody lip and SHE DID NOTHING. So, that’s the kind of parenting we’re dealing with; I told that story to Wizard and he immediately said that he would be doing a better job of being more hands on with Munchkin and I really feel that if Munchkin gets that dad isn’t fucking around that these behaviors might stop….I’m hoping.

My goal over the next 30 days is to meditate, journal and placemat my way through this issue because this issue is really hurting ME, it’s causing me a ton of stress (I didn’t eat much all weekend, some cheese it’s here and there, a yogurt, two waffles and a bowl of cereal) and I need to be healthy for myself, my son and the rest of the family. So, I’m going to get through this, I’m going to let Witch be herself and constantly remind myself that what she does has NOTHING to do with me; what she does in her home has NOTHING to do with how we run our home and what she does at games, public places and events has NOTHING to do with me; ultimately she will be the one to deal with her lack of parenting and lack of helping herself out of her own black hole, while I’m out of mine and enjoying my life; I WILL enjoy my life. I have too many blessings of a great family, friends, extended family, etc to not enjoy my life. I’m hoping that my 30 day experiment continues to be a daily activity so that when something comes up, I can hand it off to the ‘powers that be’ and go about my business trusting that I’m fine and all really is well.

Wish me luck and if you don’t want to receive updates please let me know because I’m going to be journaling a lot!