Super Bowl Sunday

WOOO HOO for the NY Giants!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it couldn't have happened to a better team or a better family!

Now for the fun...I've not been really great at this whole journaling thing, I started the year strong and boom stopped and as soon as I stopped journaling my thoughts,venting my feelings and appreciting my blessings I have been an emotional mess, only on the inside, the outside still looks the same...very sad though that I've been struggling and knew all along the only thing that i needed to do was pick up my laptop and take 20 mins or so to 'get it all out', let it go, give to God/the universe.

The challenges that I'm having are challenges that every other parent and step parent have but some are different. My mom for example, i wrote a long letter and email attaching TinMan's latest report card and the consequences for said report card and I must've really hit home because she brought him home on time last night, even was nice enough to let me know they were on their way home. I feel blessed that she did that...yes, she should but I really appreciate her doing what I asked, it shows TinMan that she respects me, my word and what I'm trying to do for him and he in turn will respect me a little more. I never thought that TinMan adn I had a respect problem but I'm realizing that we do and I'm changing that. He has a lying problem that I'm hoping is just normal teen stuff and that here shortly...like now LOL he'll realize that telling us the truth about some things (nothing like drugs or sex or any of the bad stuff) that he's freeing himself from the burden or that he'll realize that tellling us the truth isn't really that bad. Can someone tell me if this whole parenting thing gets easier?!

I feel like i'm drowning and that I'm 'fighting' and uphill battle....my other challenge is Witch....she is just weird to me. If I try to explain the story that Wizard told me I'll screw it up but the gist is this she has manipulated Munchkin so badly that he's holding his poop and therefore constipating himself so that he can try and go poop in the potty so he can get a Thomas and Friends train called Emily; Glenda figured this out because he's been having issues pooping and he's NEVER had any issues and his diet hasn't changed and she said that she realized what was happening on Friday because when Witch got home he took off his pants and his diaper and ran to the bathroom and said I get Emily mommy....and Glenda said he had pooped himself badly that day...guess he couldn't hold any longer. HE even told me tonight that he had to go potty and if he did he would get Emily....mommmy said. how sick is that? what kind of person does that? We haven't even begun to potty train, he's 2 1/2 and honestly he's not ready, he's getting there but he's not ready; but Wizard says that Witch wants Munchkin to use the potty before his cousin that is also 2 1/2 so that she wins...some sort of sick game her and his sister in law have going on and have had going on for the last 10 + years. I just feel bad for Munchkin, Witch isn't willing to try any of the 'normal' stuff, her words were 'I think he's going to need more motivation'...I'm wondering how she could possibly know when we haven't tried anything?! I'm frustrated about this...and honestly I cried, I felt so bad for Munchkin, he's two and he just not ready. I just don't understand and what I have to remember is that I can not control her...just my reaction to her...ugh.

Crazy stuff

...I promised myself that I'd write daily and I've let myself down but I digress....I have so much to say and so much to get out before I explode or implode.

Women, what makes us think that we always know more than everyone else, more than our moms, friends, grandma's, friends; not sure why but we always think we know more than the 'average bear' and I'm just as guilty as everyone else.....my rant today is about my mother, who in my eyes died yesterday, no condolences please as its my choice that she is dead to me. Background....before Thanksgiving TinMan brought home a less than stellar report card by our (mine and Wizards) standards so given he hasn't made a ton of friends in our area yet we took away the one thing we'd know get to through to him...spending the night with granny (my mom) since then I have broken my own rule SIX times and I'm still being accused by my mother, brother and now my son of keeping him from his family. My son didn't start studying for his exams utnil a week before the tests, that might be ok if he had been working off and on throughout the semester but he hasn't so we have to treat him like he's 10, study with him, force him to do his work and as of last week I finally thought he was getting it, he seemed to be a little more independent about his work, etc I was so proud, so excited and happy for him. He's enjoying Lacrosse and had a blast at the agility class we enrolled him, the LAX coach loves him and has said that he's doing well and developing quickly....so FINALLY we have something that really clicks with him :) So, my rule about going to my moms was that he could go spend the day and come home, no spending the night...you know give him a taste and then let him see that if he continues to work that he'll get the other half which is spend the night. I've had several fights with my mother about this and she just thinks that I'm trying to keep him from her, so not the case in fact this past saturday Wizard got up at 630am and took TinMan to HER drove him an hour to HER so he could spend as much time as possible with HER and she never said thank you....instead she didn't bring him home when she was supposed to on Saturday night, she called at 9pm and asked if he could stay....now, I had a house full of women, I had a jewelry party and I had 20 women in my house and was not about to have the conversation with my mom again especially knowing how upset I get and I can literally lose it...so i said fine, she said he would be home tomorrow (Sunday) evening. Fine, I'm beside myself with anger, and hurt and felt lied to by her and by TiMan. I forgot to mention that my 13 yr old brother called me earlier in the day and asked if TinMan could spend the night, I said no and he asked why and for whatever reason I actually tried to justify it to him...I know, I dont' have to but, I digress....he actually said to me 'so his punishment is keeping him from his family'; then he hung up on me.....he hung up on me! At that point I had people starting to arrive at my home and had to let it go.

Fast forward to last night (Saturday), I called around 4pm to find out if TinMan would be home in time for dinner, my mom said no that she would make him dinner and they would be home after, well....8pm comes and goes, I call ask where she is and she tells me she just got out of the shower. I was like WTF you said he'd be home by 8pm, I went into a rant and a rage that I've never gone into before, I told her that I was sick and tired of her BS that I was tired of her trying to always control me, that I've put up with her BS all my life and I wasn't doing it anymore and she wasn't going to do it to my son....I continued to yell and the last thing I said was F you, you bipolar cunt.....and I hung up. I was so angry, so upset that I had 1. been lied to and 2. she AGAIN did not respect my wishes and is showing my son that its ok....I lost my cool. About 10 mins later I called back, calmly apologized for saying mean things out of anger and went on the tell her that this wasn't about her and I and it wasn't about our relationship that it was and is about TinMan and the person we are molding him to become and that if she lies to me, disrespects my rules then she's showing him that he doesn't have to have respect for me or be truthful with me, I also told her that he needed grow and learn and that I'm trying my best to do that for him and that from the time he was born until this very moment he has been my first priority that he lived with her until high school because its what I felt was best for him, because he deserved better than I could give...if I were truly selfish I would've kept my child with me and he could've expereinced all the boyfriends, partying and me growing up...but that's not fair to him....just like its not fair to him that she's not obeying my rules and that she's not respecting my boundaries...she's being selfish. So after that conversation she said she was bringing him home it was about 9pm, so at 10:15pm I called again to find out where they are....they hadn't left yet, my instinct told me to get in my car and go get my son...I didn't, I was emotionally exhausted and just didn't want a scene and didn't want to deal with her....at 11:30pm I called again asked where they were...she said they weren't coming....I laughed....asked what had changed between my last phone call and now, she said TinMan didn't want to come home. SERIOUSLY, I asked...when the 15 yr old started calling the shots and making the decisions and that as a parent/grandparent we weren't there to be friends, we are there to mold and teach and sometimes that sucks and its not fun and we have to make choices for them that make them sad or mad. she didn't get it so I talked to TinMan, I explained to him that there were conseuquences for his behavior...in my eyes at 15 he should have the character to say 'no, my mom said' but he didn't, instead he saw video games, and playing with friends.....he saw irresponsibility and fun. So he will now be writing a 500 word essay about respect, what it means, how to earn it, how to give it and what it means in a family, he'll be reading 2 hours on weekends and any day he doesn't have school and an hour every weekday....and now he's definitely not going to her house and only because he said something that she has been saying 'I only wanted to spend time with my family'...to which I replied you did spend time with your family and you can spend time with your family, just not sleep there....WE got up at 630am on Saturday mornign so you could spend time with yoru family, Wizard drove you to your family so that you could be there the maximum amount of time and you and your family didn't have the respect for us or our rules to do the same....and now there are consequences. I got on the phoen with my mom, explained to her exactly what I said to TinMan and then I told her he needed to be home by noon.

This morning I get a call from her telling me that my Step-Dad will be bringing him home and they'll be leaving at noon...if he is not home by 1pm, I'm leaving work and going to get him. I told her that last night she agreed he'd be home by noon and that this was the FOURTH time she lied to me in 3 days, that I know now that I can not trust her and I know what I have to do, that I felt like she was the child and I am the parent....that I gave her an inch and she took 10 miles....and then I told her goodbye and hung up.

I'm at my wits end, I slept little last ngith and all I can think about right now is if TinMan will actually be home or if I'll have to go get him, which I don't want to do, I don't want to make him feel like he has to choose because in my eyes he shouldn't have to and I will not force him to....but at the same time he's my son, these are my rules and they will be obeyed by all or we won't be playing in the sandbox together any longer.

meeting the kids part 1

I'm going with a short version because to go with the long verision is to add more negative energy to it than I want....My day started out slow, i was a little groggy but worked up to being awake and then started feeling really good, really accomplished at work, had a positive meeting with my boss where I learned some the things that I could be doing better and things that I'm doing well and that I'll have a dual role by summer as Admin/Creative Coordinator....woo hoo! Glad that they can see my potential quickly. Before that meeting I had received and email from Wizard asking if I wanted to meet Lion and Munchkin tonight....ummm of course, so we set the time and place and off to my meeting I went...oh and another before was that we found out Witch's b/f's name so of course I googled him and did a property search and well...was basically a high schooler, LOL While I was in my meeting Wizard sent an email to Witch and BCC'd Cougar, his Sisinlaw and I....since Cougar uses gmail she didn't realize it was a BCC rather than a FWD and we'd been replying to all most of the AM so she replied to all again...INCLUDING Witch....It wasn't too bad she said somethng about Witch being nuts...and her not spelling my name right; overall nothing too harmful; well Witch let her have it...I'll post later for you reading enjoyment....meanwhile I'm still in my meeting oblivious to what's going on....I come out and tell Cougar what a great meeting it was and the poor thing looked like I ran over her dog...she hated to tell me what happened because we both knew that Witch would throw a fit (which she did) and prevent me from meeting the kids tonight (which she did). It sucks yes but what sucks more is that we allow this woman to upset us the way she does....I'm making a decision today that what she thinks and does has no bearing on ME, my thoughts and feelings...I'm taking repsonsibility for ALL of those....so now she no longer has the power. I expect the best out of her...what the best is I have no idea but damn it I expect it.

Originally I had planned to go to happy hour with friends from work for a co-workers bday so I did that and had a great time just talking and enjoying the people that I work with...another great part of my job :)

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm so looking forward to the weekend...can't wait to sleep in and spend some time with TinMan, I miss him :) On another up side, i'm feeling more like me, not so much like a blob in the sense of just oozing through the day....I feel connected again and that feels good.

Five good things about Witch....she knows what she wants, she is dating, she has a few friends, she's open to talking to a 'doctor', she finally takes her medication every day; I knew I could find at least five.

special Witch

So special that I can't stand it. Here's the scene....Lion wants new iPod Nano Video, child already has iPod Nano that she got for her bday just over a year ago, BOTH parents agree that Lion will not be getting iPod for Christmas. TinMan gets iPod Nano Video from his grandma. Children go to their mothers, Scarecrow's sister gets iPod Nano Video....child gets Wii and several other gifts but no iPod....child spends FOUR hours on Christmas day crying (REAL TEARS) about NOT getting iPod for Christmas. Lion comes back to our house, treats Scarecrow meanly in the car because she wanted the ipod and her sister got it, Lion pouts off and on part of the day. Lion gets 'better' as the week goes on and enjoys her other gifts. Lion goes back to Witches, Witch has taken back TWO gifts because said Lion got them at our house and tries justify to Wizard that it was ok to go buy Lion the ipod nano video with returned gift money because Wizard said that Lion could buy it with HER money....Witch twists that to mean 'return gifts, buy nano for Lion....thus showing her that crying for FOUR hours on christmas day ='s getting what you want....and trust me she ALWAYS gets what she wants....begged Witch for a puppy for 3 months until she finally gave in, got the puppy in July...said puppy now lives at the Humane Society because Witch couldn't handle its 'puppiness' or clothing...all the clothing she wants...from June until November when she got her last WebKinz.....she had 27....at $12/each.

Now what is so beautiful about this whole situation is there are two daughters; one is alot like her mom...NEEDS everything, the other is more down to earth and a little more cautious when it comes to people, the latter daughter got the ipod nano for Christmas it was her 'big' gift and it was also the FIRST time in her 7 years that she had something her sister didn't have 'first'....if you're not an only child (like me...my brother is 13...he counts but doesn't) you understand the importance of having something all your own....this was her turn but Witch ruined it and didn't give it a thought...didn't even think that she was teaching her daughter that if you bug, beg and cry long enough eventually it will be yours...nope not at all......what's even better I think about this whole thing is...I think Witch did it not only to give Lion what she wanted but...to also get Wizard's attention. She hasn't had a good tongue lashing or argument with him in a few weeks and Witch likes his attention, she thinks that until he and I are married there's still a chance that it won't happen and they can go back to their 'happy' divorced lives.....just how special is she?

will i ever do this at home...

....that's the question I'm asking myself right now. In the last week I have found time at work to journal but will I ever find or should I say make that time at home? I have to...its my right, its what keeps me sane and its what I'm loving right now....journaling...communicating within myself and getting all 'out'! I've held so much in these last few months and I just need to vent it out....let it go and move on....My goal in the coming year...to let others just be, be who they are or aren't and allow them to do that....to let myself just enjoy the parts of them I enjoy and let the rest of it roll off my back and if I don't enjoy any part of them to let all their 'parts' roll off my back...I'm tired of giving energy to the negative aspects of my life, I want my happiness back, I want the fun back and I want ME back....I'm not changing my life I'm merely changing how I look at my life or some of the parts that I feel don't go so well. I'm going to communicate more clearly and positively with those I love and care about and with those I don't really care about, LOL I just want to try and gain some positive aspects in my life....In a day I allow myself to get worked up...really worked up, normally to tears. Not once a week/month/year but almost daily....not sure why but I allow it and it sucks.....so I'm hoping that in the coming year I can learn to let things go and not hold grudges...I'm really good about that........a good example of this is my mom. boy oh boy she can push my buttons and push them to a point of anger, sadness, hate....frustration....she's very closed minded and she also views life and life lessons very differently now than when she raised me (for those who don't know for the last 13 years she has had custody of TinMan, my choice, he recently moved back in with me, his choice). TinMan is adjusting to his schedule, his school and his life in our home VERY well, with the exception that he's still 'holding on' (as anyone does) to his 'old' life, he's made a few friends and has enjoyed hanging out with them but he's also holding on to some old ones (not bad)....my mom would like him to be at her house EVERY OTHER weekend for the ENTIRE weekend. That was fine over the summer and even the first two months of school....after his 2nd interim came home we had to put a stop to spending the night...his grades were lagging and since he didn't spend the night with friends this was our only option....he could still go spend time but not spend the night. since the begining of this month my mom has badgered (sp) me over and over again...telling me that I'm keeping him from his family and cutting off all ties with them, etc. Which is NOT the case, I understand how she could feel that way but my son is not turning in homework, does not have a clue when his tests are and has not been studying for said tests unless WE prompt him to....this is not acceptable in my home and he now lives in my home...he's a FRESHMEN in high school...he has 3 years until he hits the 'real' world and the things like RESPONSIBILITY are things he needs to be taught, along with time managment, follow through and preparation. My mom just thinks I'm nuts, thinks I'm just keeping him from 'the family' and that I want him to cut all ties and that I'm holding him back....I even compromised when my uncle came in from Florida (12/7) I let him spend the night with them (mom and family), and AGAIN on 12/25 and 12/26....the ONLY request I had was that he NOT play ANY video games....guess what he played Christmas night....guitar hero. Maybe I'm being to harsh, maybe I am completely wrong in my thinking but.....how is he supposed to learn responsibility, follow through and preparation if I don't teach him?! When he lived with her he had the same 'problems'....and there was punishment for maybe two weeks and then it was as if it never happened.....well, hello...no wonder he's not preparing or taking responsibility for his homework and actions....HE HASN'T BEEN TAUGHT TO!!! So to say I'm pissed, furious, upset, angry, frustrated and at my wits end....is a big understatment....I've got all this shit to deal with on top of the ex wife and the other three children and fiancee' I have at home.....I'm so done, so done.....I dont' know how to talk to her, I don't know how to explain what I'm trying to do here....I'm trying to help my son understand that life isn't all about the newest playstation or xbox game that life is somtimes about work....is that wrong?! I'm trying to help him achieve his dream of being a pilot....I'm trying to help him KNOW that he IS smart and worthy of all the things he dreams of...right now he doesn't feel that, I know this....on Christmas night we were at my grams and we played Catch Phrase....he called himself stupid at least 5-6 times and said he couldn't think of anything to say....my step father has called Tyler stupid most of his childhood....I realized this in the last year another reason I felt taking custody at this time was a really good idea..and TinMan wanted it...anyway....he just felt he could not play catch phrase...a rather simple yet fun game AND his cousins same age and younger were playing with confidence....I want him to have that confidence, its MY job as his mother to give him that confidence, its MY job as his mother to teach him things like responsibility, structure, and that fun and work can go hand in hand and don't have to suck.....why can't she see this, why does she feel like I'm 'keeping' him from her?! I'm only saying he can't spend the night......that's it, its really simple. She has often tried to compare our (mine and her) situation with Wizard and Witch and while it is somewhat the same there is also a large difference....Witch doesn't live an hour away, Witch teaches her children (in some ways) responsibility and if the were to ever come home with negative grades or behavior in school well...Witch would and has actually put her foot down in a BIG way....she didn't give in....why can't my mom get this, why can't she accept that I've compromised TWICE....soon to be THREE times this month....because of the holiday. I'm at my wits end, I don't even want to talk to her or see her for that matter and I'm at a point where I'm ready to just cut off all contact unless it deals with TinMan. My mom was a hard as nails bitch to me when I grew up...to the point that she was down right cold and I'm sorry but there would be no love lost if I didn't talk to her....or see her. She's great when she gets her way but when she doesn't she tries to strike fear into me and up until about 3 years ago that fear worked and now it doesn't.....so I just don't know what to do....its not about being right for me its about doing what I FEEL is right for my child and sometimes doing what I feel is right doesn't alwasy feel great but in the end I know he'll be a better student, man, husband and father someday for it.....

Baking Fun

Sunday the wee ones and I baked sugar cookies. Of course they were not homemade.....no time. We all gathered around the island in the kitchen and I rolled out their first batch of dough, gave them the cookie cutters and set them free. It was a sight, that's for sure, they made gingerbread men, stars, stockings, angels, bells, sleighs and Christmas trees. Munchkin was too funny he started out cutting them correctly and by the time I made it back around to him he had taken all but two of the cookie cutters and cut all of his dough and made a train....that's his thing making everything line up so its a 'train', that was funny. After they cut out all the cookies and we baked them I let them add the icing and decorations....Munchkin went down for a nap. They had fun with it and made quite a mess but everything turned out yummy and they had fun.

After the cookie baking fun they had lunch and got ready to go to Wizards's Cantata which was beautiful. TinMan and I went to his last LAX game of the year (2007) they play in January too, and then came home...it was a busy Sunday but always a ton of fun...

email I wanted to send but didn't

Witch

I know this is going to seem strange but I think we need to get thingsout in the open and move forward rather than drudging up old woundsand things that have been said, do you agree? In the last few months you and I have had some difficult moments and I think a lot of that is due to lack of communication between you and I. In past emails and conversations we both said we wanted to be partners but I don't think either of us has truly acted as a partner to the other, I'm speaking for myself, I have no idea how you feel. I'm willing to take part ofthe responsibility for our difficulties but I'm not willing to take sole responsibility. The part that I have the most trouble with is that when I'm feel like I'm trying and being nice or trying to spare your feelings you think I'm being mean and rubbing things in your face and I'm really not; I'm pretty much giving up, if I try I'm wrong if I don't I'm wrong so why don't you tell me what to do so that I know what your expectations are.....I'm not going to address the things that have been sited in previous discussions or emails but I'm asking; do you think that we can get along, can we both stop saying things about each other to Wizard, our friends and family? So in being honest with you I would really like you to stop saying things about me, saying things like 'I can't believe you're going to marry the first person you dated because you're too lazy', calling me white trash and other things is ct and I've said some things too but I am now trying to change the way you and I communicate just not a way for us to remain partners. I get it you don't like me and I don't like you and I'm not perfect but I'm trying I really am but I think you think that I"m out to make you look or feel bad and that's not the case. I want to function as a team, you, Wizard and me and someday the person you want to be a part of your life.